ISO Someone, Anyone, Whatever Works
by Eulalie Moire
Summary: Snape finds a white hair and then tries to find a mate before it's too late. Probably not HBPcompliant.


_ISO Someone, Anyone, Whatever Works_

Eulalie Moire

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DISCLAIMER: Everything belongs to J.K. Rowling. I own nothing and make no money.

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**_From the diary of Severus Snape_**

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1 January

I am getting old. I realized this today when, while grooming myself, I discovered a single white hair. I am getting old and my window of peak attractiveness—which I must admit was never so high anyway—is closing. I feel I must, therefore, find a mate with all due haste.

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7 January

Preliminary investigations and musings have revealed the following:

Dumbledore, while intellectually stimulating and quite mysterious, is an unacceptable candidate. He is physically unappealing to me and, even if he was not, his obsession with lemon drops and Minerva McGonagall would most likely hinder any attempts I made. (Though I have heard rumors involving Dumbledore, his brother, and a goat…)

Filius Flitwick, while his height is ideal for the performing of fellatio, is otherwise unqualified. For one thing, he is simply too cheerful.

I cannot imagine—and I have, in fact, tried—a sexual encounter with Hagrid that would prove satisfying to either one of us, nor one that would not end with painful tearing of one sort or the other. In addition, his intelligence is substandard and he is both careless and reckless.

Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington is, by far, the best-looking man at Hogwarts; as he is a ghost, I would have the additional benefit of not having to worry that he would die first and I would be left bereft. Unfortunately, he is a bloody Gryffindor and—oh, hell, what am I saying? He's a _ghost_, for Merlin's sake.

In conclusion, the faculty of Hogwarts is off my list. Now, as my morals—yes, I have got some—prohibit my engaging in a relationship with a student (assuming there was a student worth my effort, which there is not—whiny little buggers, all of them), I have come to realize that I must look outside of Hogwarts for a mate.

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10 January

I have just come from answering a summons from the Dark Lord. While amongst my fellow Death Eaters I assessed them as potential mates. Now, _there _is a bunch of coldhearted bastards. I know what the students say about me—I encourage it—but I am _nothing_ compared to Lucius Malfoy and Rudolphus Lestrange and some of the others. I, at least, can blame my sour personality on a truly rotten childhood. They have no excuse and do not seem to want one; they are pure evil. And no, I have _not_ been Malfoy's bitch at _any_ time in my life. Ever. At all. Even for a little while. At any rate, Death Eaters are out of the running as a body.

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13 January

I have just returned from an Order meeting. Further surveillance and pondering on my part have rendered up the following conclusions:

Sirius Black is an absolute arse. (Did I need intense surveillance to tell me this? I did not. Hmph.) Not only that, but, despicable prat that he is, he is shagging young Bill Weasley on the sly.Not at all an option.

Kingsley Shacklebolt has the sexiest voice I have ever heard in my entire life, with the possible exception of my own. I didn't even bother to evaluate him for mental capacity or any other desirable qualities; I find I do not care. I do however care that he is nose deep in Hestia Jones. (I never did like the cow. Bloody Hufflepuffs.)

Bill Weasley, though not without his charms, clearly has poor judgment where choosing his acquaintances is concerned (see above).

Remus Lupin: washed-out-yet-still-handsome werewolf; intelligent even by my standards, as skilled in his craft as I am in mine, kind, considerate, understanding—WEREWOLF. Did I say WEREWOLF? WEREWOLF, WEREWOLF, WEREWOLF. Bloody bleeding WEREWOLF. And not just WEREWOLF, but WEREWOLF WHO TRIED TO MURDER ME. All right. Never mind. Must indulge in good wank to relieve temporary deprivation-induced insanity.

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17 January

If I am to be perfectly honest, it wasn't Lupin so much as Black who tried to murder me. In fact, if I understand things correctly, Lupin knew nothing about the prank until the morning after the full moon. And in any case he was never the leader or bright light of that group; he only dragged along behind in Potter's shadow to hide his own darknesses.

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18 January

If I am to be perfectly honest, Lupin is not a half-breed. Both his parents were fully human. He only became a werewolf after he was bitten. This makes him a person with a disease.

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19 January.

If I am to be perfectly honest, a person with a disease is not a monster, especially in this case. Although, there is no denying he is dangerous.

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20 January

If I am to be perfectly honest, he is not dangerous so long as he has an empty shack in which to transform—and, more importantly, so long as I make the Wolfsbane Potion for him.

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22 January

If I am to be perfectly honest, Remus Lupin is really a very attractive man in a variety of ways. In fact, he may be perfect. I have, at any rate, come to believe he is as close to 'perfect for me' as anyone could ever be. Also, my sexual deprivation has reached such a level that, even if 'perfect' is a feckless overstatement, I am willing to forgive myself.

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23 January

Having compiled and evaluated all my research and then thought deeply on the subject, I have come to the ultimate conclusion that my prime compatibility is with one Remus John Lupin. I shall, therefore, commence to wooing him at once. Though I am not certain of success, I feel my chances are good. Contrary to popular belief, I have seen no indication that Lupin and Sirius Black were ever involved romantically. And I know for a fact that he has never been involved with a woman. Those were my two largest obstacles. I am, therefore, relatively confident.

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From the diary of Remus John Lupin**_

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24 January

Sirius increasingly depressed over loss of company, Harry especially. Think being cooped up so long is really starting to bother him. Have even considered sneaking him out of Grimmauld Place lest he go mad from lack of sunlight.

Has Severus washed his hair? I believe he has. Looks rather nice. Must tell him. Actually, mustn't. Will likely find gesture strange and/or sarcastic.

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25 January

Fact: Insufficient exposure to sunlight can lead to depression. Must research further.

Have consulted with Tonks, who agrees Snape had indeed washed his hair.


End file.
